Fiat Lux

"Don't taze me bro...."

2008-02-14T06:31:00.002-06:00

When you are watching a scene, words that come to mind are usually 'hot', or 'intense. 'Hysterical' is NOT what comes to mind.

A friend of ours is a 'daddy's girl' sub, and is one of the funniest people I have ever met. She combines wit, timing, and persona into a lethally hysterical package guaranteed to knock you off your perch of complacency and cool.

A couple of weeks ago the family went to a play party where she was being played. She was placed over a bench and spanked. Only, instead of moans, screams, and pleading, it was phrases like the above.

I tried to keep quiet; I really did. But I lost it at Dr. Seuss.

They ended the scene with, "The next show is at 11:00 pm."

"One of these things, is not like the other....."

2008-01-20T22:28:00.000-06:00

There was a Sesame Street song that sang about four items, three of which were alike in some way, and a fourth that did not belong. When interacting with my quad on the whole Bi-Polar issue, I feel like the item that does not belong.

I understand how they can get. I understand how one can have the best-laid plans, only to have them come apart due to unforeseen forces. I've had my own rages, and depressions, and mood swings, only to look back on them and wonder what I could have done differently. I have those options, just like most people; I can imagine what it would be like to have little to no control, how frustrating it would be to have little to no options.

I read up on the subject when I get a chance. I am becoming a little bit more familiar with the pharmacy that is our bedroom every day. I cope with their moodiness, their sleep cycles, their at home habits, their health issues, and their work/career issues. These are all minor events compared to the joy they bring me; I only list them to illustrate how BP interacts in our quad.

I occasionally get from emmie and mitda the feeling that they don't think I understand them regarding BP. emmie made a comment on her blog that she wasn't sure she should talk to me about an issue she's been having because I am "very removed from the whole bipolar thing" (she did decide to, though :) ). mitda didn't like my frustrated comment regarding how she couldn't work at a $50k job if it was boring. My opinion: I take her condition seriously enough not to call it a euphemism like "psychologically interesting."

I don't have to be bi-polar to understand and support my family, the same way I don't have to be female to understand and support feminism. Most of the time, they know that. If they can put up with my occasional frustrations with them, then I can put up with their occasional frustrations with me. And vice versa.

A funny thing happened to me on the way to my career...

2008-01-19T14:10:00.000-06:00

I had an interesting realization last night (I would have blogged about it then, but I fell asleep :) ). I'm starting my second semester of school. I just had a great first week: interacting in class, pre- and post-class discussions with my classmates, bonding into groups, both formal and informal. And I've just realized that I'm having an experience that I've never has before in all the years of school previously.

I'm popular.

I had no social skills in junior high and high school, and barely any in college. I was simply too shy and self-conscious to interact with any of my peers well, especially girls, especially pretty girls. I avoided, and was avoided in response.

Now, most of my peers are women, and not only do I interact well, I excel at it. It was finally driven home to me at the end of last semester, when one of my classes has a series of goodbyes, each member to each member. Person after person told me that they enjoyed how smart, how educated, how well-traveled, how experienced I was, how they wished they had my experiences. Coming from a background where I had no self confidence, and people avoided me like the plague (when they weren't laughing at my few and feeble attempts at interaction), this simply blew me away.

After one of my classes the other night, I was about ready to leave when a couple of women in my class called me over to ask if I would like to join their study group (required by the class). I smiled and said "Yes." Now, I'm sure this was no big deal to any of them, but for me, it was. It was the first time someone had gone out of their way to invite me to a group. No, not true; in high school, another group of girls did the same thing in Latin class, and I was so shy that I couldn't say anything right at the first meeting of the group. They dis-invited me from future meetings. Obviously, I have no fear of anything like that happening to me now, nor would I feel anything like the devastation that I felt then.

I know people who stay the same from the time they are twelve years old. There's no guarantee that things will be better; I've always been aware of my own failings and attempted to compensate or learn accordingly (instead of making excuses for it, or for the actions of others). In reflection, I've learned and earned every bit of social skill I now possess; it took going back to school to actually see just how much I've grown.

Not everyone can honestly say they are proud of the man or woman they've become. I'm happy to say that I can.

Recapitualtion at 6:41 am

2008-01-17T06:26:00.000-06:00

I should be more stressed out than I am. I've got new responsibilities at work, a new semester at school, household finance issues, and never enough time with the quad. Usually, I'd be in a panic attack mode around now.

However, I'm picking up on my new position well, I'm going into the new semester with a 4.0, the finance issues should be resolved by spring and we'll be sitting pretty by summer, and the time I do spend with the quad is all quality time (with catch-up time on the weekends).

On top of all that, my exercise/diet habits are paying off, I'm writing my novel, and I'm blogging and IMing regularly.

For the first time in my life, I'm happy with every aspect of my life.

Poly Management

2008-01-13T20:49:00.000-06:00

One of my stressors in our poly quad is my ability to efficiently spend time with the quad members, both individually and as a group. I use the word 'efficiently' for two reasons. One, my schedule is full with work, school, and extracurricular activities (homework, exercise, blogging, IM, and writing, for the most part). Two, all three of my significant others have, for various reasons, odd sleep/wake patterns; they tend to sleep a lot. Basically, I have very little time to spend with them.

One of the reasons that I made blogging and IMing a new year's resolution is so that I can interact with them more; they all blog and IM constantly, and it helps with communication and feeling close. It's not something that I do naturally; I have an issue with putting down my private thoughts in a location that potentially anyone could come across and read.

I'm getting over it.

In the last 24 hours, I've had an argument/discussion with both mitda and emmie that could have been avoided had I communicated better. In mitda's case, she keeps making comments that assume that I don't find her attractive. In emmie's case, she's upset that I didn't communicate with her about my impromptu date friday night with kimm, a sub that I met online a few days ago. mitda needs me to show her more affection; me telling her that I find her attractive doesn't work because she assumes I'm lying. emmie needs me to keep her up to date on my activities so she doesn't feel like I'm trying to treat her like MY slave; apparently it's okay to treat me like her slave when she doesn't tell me all the things that she does right away (which is quite a bit more; in her mind, 'egalitarian relationship' apparently only goes one way) . The situation is made more complicated in that it's difficult to spend time with them regularly when they're asleep most of the time.

This doesn't even address the fact that I spend more time with either of them than I do Das, who deserves as much of my time and doesn't complain at all.

I told them that I would spend more time consistantly with them all; 15 minutes a day. It doesn't sound like a lot, but it focuses my attention, which is easily distracted, and my relationships suffer for it.

Just another Manic Wednesday....

2008-01-02T23:15:00.000-06:00

My son called me today; he had just arrived at Ft. Benning and they were assigning him to a transition platoon for inprocessing (clothes, shots, gear, haircut, etc.) over the next few days before being assigned to his Basic Training platoon. He said he was doing fine; with not much hassling. Not a uncommon occurance, with everyone new and on edge; that will all stop once everyone is assigned to their platoon. The drill sergeants put a stop to all displays of anti-authority that was the coin of cool in high school; the new coin is excellence. He has a good mix of cocky and brains; just what the Army is looking for. He should do fine.

Mitda had a breakdown today, which put Emmie's breakdown on hold. Apparently, they take turns. I'm glad she's okay; she didn't go into it tonight, but it was a bunch of tiny stressors that all added up. I gave her a backrub and cuddle until she fell asleep. I guess it will be Emmie's turn tomorrow.

When do I get a turn?

New Year's Resolutions

2008-01-02T23:00:00.001-06:00

Here are my goals for 2008. I have two lists: the first are the most important ones, called my metalist; the second is just regular "gotta pay the bills" goals:

Metagoals for 2008
I will sculpt my Body.
I will invent my own Martial Art Style.
I will continue to develop my own Counseling Theory.
I will write my Novel.
I will search for my Slave.
I will continue to bond with my Family.

Goals for 2008

I will create a nestegg in Savings.

I will create my niche at Work.

I will keep my 4.0 average in School.

I will IM and Blog regularly.

1st Day Excitement

2008-01-01T19:52:00.000-06:00

It's been a hell of a first day of 2008 for me. I dropped off my oldest son at the Army Recruiter's Station today; they took him to San Antonio for the night, then will bus him off to Ft. Benning, GA, for Basic Training. I could tell he was nervous/stage fright-like when he started trying to engage me in anything that could be a contest that he could win (thumb wrestling; rock-paper-scissors; i-spy; etc.). It is his way of handling anxiety; we laughed about it in the car on the way to Austin.

I don't miss him just yet; it's still too new. I expect to over the next several weeks as household patterns readjust. I still remember when I left for BT in 1988; I was excited to be starting a new adventure in my life, and both he and I are excited for him in the same way.

I spent the rest of the putting away Christmas stuff (tree and accessories) until next year, and organizing the living room and the guest bedroom/server room/playroom where my son was living for the last six months. While Das and Emmie were napping, Mitda and I "broke in" the newly set up room ;) . Due to many reasons, Mitda and I haven't had as much naked time together as we'd like; this bodes well for 2008!

I just finished the 1st page of my novel. My 2008 goal is a page a day; sounds simple, until you try it. Shouldn't be a problem (this time :) ). I'm also posting every day, even if it's just to say nothing.

Looking forward to the new year!

Updates for the New Year

2008-01-01T00:38:00.000-06:00

I've made a couple of changes to the site, in honor of the new year:

- Site Name: Fiat Lux: Latin for "Let there be Light"

- Site Picture: an equilateral cross: the vertical bar is a sword, representing power; the horizontal bar is a vajra, representing enlightenment.

Happy New Year!

2007 Winter Solstice

2007-12-22T18:57:00.001-06:00

Last night the four of us celebrated Winter Solstice. We rang in the new year with my Tibetan Buddhist bell, then lighted votive candles in ceremony and spoke out what we were giving up to 2007 and what we were grateful for/looking forward to in 2008. It was a very moving, bonding, experience. I had never felt as close to the three of them as I did at that moment.

Then came the Roman Orgy, followed by a quick outing to Epoch. As I was a dominant since the last Solstice, I played a more interactive role than I did last time. I really enjoyed myself and my family, and look forward to the next Solstice.

Das and I almost ruined it for the other two, when we spent an hour discussing/debating/lecturing with each other about philosophy, religion, and science. It started off with his review of my final Integrative Therapy paper that I wrote for one of my classes (I got an A, by the way :) ), and it just went from there. He and I really enjoy the back and forth of it all, and it can get quite heated and exciting. Unfortunately, it has the opposite effect on emmie and mitda; seeing us go at it stresses them out to no end. We ended it when emmie pointed out that it was almost solstice and mitda had taken a walk to calm down.

I loved Solstice and look forward to the next one, but I think Das and I will have to arrange for outings of our own so we can toss concept bombs back and forth freely.

2008 Resolutions

2007-12-22T18:39:00.000-06:00

I have been working on a list of 2008 To Do's and Resolutions. I will continue my health and fitness goal of having a washboard stomach by Eeyore's Birthday Party; once I have that, I'll have future health goals planned out. I will also start and finish the first draft of my novel by 2008 year end; my immediate goal of a page a day will accomplish that. As part of my Solstice resolution, I will be letting go of perfectionism. In that vein, I will be working on reducing procrastination in my life. I haven't figured out an objective, measurable goal for it, but I still have a few days to figure it out (gee, I hope I don't wait until the last minute to do it ;) ). Last, I will spend more time with the Family; doing things like IMing and blogging regularly, as well as using the time I save from not procrastinating, will all add up to more interaction.

Supporting the Family

2007-12-19T06:26:00.000-06:00

So I went on Monday to the local support group with mitda; Das and emme were asleep, poor guys. mitda was wonderful; she interacted with everyone at the meeting, asking good closed and opens questions to probe, clarify, and illuminate, and offering her perspective when relevant. It was like watching a good counseling session in action. At one point, one of the group commented along the lines of, "You are very knowledgable," or something to that effect.

I chose not to comment when it was my turn; I didn't feel comfortable talking at the time. The purpose of the group is to provide a forum for BPs and Ds; I felt that, no matter how tactful I was, anything I said would be taken as "You BPs make me miserable because....." I'm there to support them, not the other way around.

I wonder how I'll feel in a few years when I'm facilitating group counseling sessions.

My next attempt at blogging

2007-11-11T12:36:00.000-06:00

First of all, I suck at journaling / blogging. One of my graduate classes requires blogging in the class chatroom as part of my grade (20%); I'm making a C on that part. That's okay, though, I'm making an A in the rest of the class, and the instructor said that we can make up the current grade by the end of the semester. Yes, I'm both anal-retentive and grade-conscious :)

I'm looking for the kind of sub/slave that is fun, lively, engaging, sexy, sweet, energetic, educated, both athletic and cerebral, and both independant and loves to serve.

Low-maintenance and low-drama are a plus.

In short, I'm looking for someone that I can both put up on and bend over a pedestal ;)

Black Beat

2007-10-14T08:20:00.000-05:00

Okay, so I suck at consistent blogging; I'm working on it :)

Last night we went to the GWNN munch / election voting at a local restaurant. I've never seen it so packed; the few non-GWNN people there looked out of place.

I talked with J and friend; always a pleasure, and looking forward to the next conversation. Afterwards the family went to the Black Beat party.

It was our family's first Black Beat party. First off, kudos to Obsidian and namaste' for hosting a great party. The house was both tasteful and professionally laid out, and the combination of the house and hosts created an intimate and inviting space. Looking forward to the next party.

This was the first time I publicly scened with my family. I scened with mitda, while M and emmie scened, then M and mitda scened while emmie and I watched (and zoned). I love watching my family play and get into each other, and I love domming mitda. The only downside was not having a sub of my own. I felt like I was at a party where I was the only single person there; none of your friends ignore you or snub you in any way, but you feel kinda 'left out' all the same.

Interestingly, that night I had a dream that I was in our bedroom with my family , domming a former employee of mine from SF. It felt very right, and the 'left out' feeling that I had fallen asleep with was gone when I woke up.

Our class this week had a visiting psychoanalyst talk to us about her practice; I wonder what she would make of that dream!

New at University

2007-09-06T17:55:00.000-05:00

I'm taking this up again. I think I might be more successful this time around. One of my classes this fall requires that I blog on the student class 'blackboard.' I basically blog about what we are doing, and I get a grade for both participation and content. I think that the fact that I'm being made to do so will get me in the writing habit that I seem to find so difficult to maintain.

Right now I'm in the common area of Moody Hall, studying for the pop quiz that I suspect will be coming up today in my other class today. It will be an overview of all the theories of counseling that we will study in depth later in the semester. It shouldn't be too hard.

ArmadilloCon, Day 1

2007-08-10T21:56:00.000-05:00

I'm at ArmadilloCon, my 1st SF Literature conference. Not too much going on Friday night; we're in the hotel bar, drinking coffee and blogging. No issues tonight; going to see if one develops over the weekend for me to blog about. Back to my novel (the one I'm writing, not the one I'm reading).

My First Time

2007-08-05T21:48:00.000-05:00

Last night the four of us went to a BDSM play party. It was the second for the three of them as a M/s triplet, and the first for me overall. It all went very smoothly; most everyone was friendly, and I got some pointers on using a bullwhip, as well as some basic rope work. I definitely want to get some of both and practice!

Interesting experience in the beginning of the evening. We were all introducing ourselves, and telling about what we like to do in the scene (for those of you who don't know, there is an immense variety of things to be and do that fall under the category of BDSM). Since I was the 2nd person to introduce themselves (well, really the 1st since emmie got stage fright so bad she couldn't talk!), and I was still learning all about the scene and how to articulate it, I just said that I was new and still learning what I liked. Now, that's true to a certain extent, but after hearing what the others had to say over the next 15 minutes, I think that I could have come up with a more accurate answer. If I had gone last, I probably would have said something like this: "I've been in the scene for a few months. I'm a service dom. I like impact play and non-consent play. I'm interested in learning more about rope play and edge play. Basically, I'm willing to try anything."

This brings up the question for the evening. How much of BDSM is innate to your character, and how much is learned?

From my perspective, all the areas of BDSM are learned. Layered into that, your personality and preferences seep into your learnings, guiding your preferences. For example, from my martial arts experience I've been able to dish out as well as receive punishment. The bruises I came home with I bore with pride, because they showed how I endured my own mistakes in order to learn how NOT to get hit, while learning to defeat someone else. The mindset is completely different from receiving impact play. I could easily learn to take a flogging, but I'd much rather give one.

Corollary: Can anyone find something they enjoy in BDSM, or are some people incapable of being anything but vanilla? My perspective: Theoretically, anyone can if they want to, but statistically some people are much less likely to embrace their inner pervert than others.

Please respond, comment, etc.

First Time Post

2007-08-04T15:03:00.000-05:00

Welcome, one and all. My goal is simple:

1. to rant, rave, pontificate, and conjecture on anything and everything;
2. to invite discussion, feedback, comments, and verbal dueling in general.

If you are familiar with the Dilbert.com blog, you'll have an idea of what I want to do.

I have work, school, and a very large household that I function in, so I may not be able to blog every day. That being said, I will attempt to respond in a consistent, timely way.

Thanks for participating. Jubal.